Aging Us

PROTECTING OUR FUTURES WHEN NOBODY ELSE WILL

By Liz Taylor

Q: I’m 59 and have no children or other close relatives. I’m worried about what will happen to me if I can’t take care of myself someday. What should I do?

A: This is one of the most common – and important -- questions I’m asked when I give workshops on eldercare these days. Adult children attend to learn how to care for a parent, then suddenly wonder – like a light bulb coming on -- who will respond when they need help someday? Having X children or other family is no guarantee someone will be there for you – but having no family is a guarantee unless you do some things ahead of time.

Ironically, as much as our parents resent our interference when we adult children “butt in” and “take over” as they become frail, it’s often the kindest, most loving thing we can do – and necessary. Far more precarious are older people who have no family to watch out for them (or children who can’t be bothered or live too far away). When our eyesight, our hearing or our memory fail, we are at our most vulnerable for doing dangerous or foolish things – and least likely to recognize it.

I have no family, so I’ve thought about this topic for years -- for my old age. Here’s my take on some of the things we need to do, regardless of whether we have children:

Each of us needs to have a least one person in our lives as we get older (more if possible) who meets six basic requirements:

• We trust them (and they deserve our trust)
• They care about us (and we care about them)
• They live nearby, and
• They have enough common sense (and mental capacity) to make good decisions

Those who meet these requirements are our “significant others,” our “team,” our “friends for the journey.” Whatever we call them, they’re essential for a good old age.

Usually our “team” is related to us by blood – a spouse, adult children, a grandkid or a niece.

But increasingly, many people have no family (especially the boomers, a large number of whom never had children). A report by the US Government Accountability Office predicts that, by 2020, the number of older Americans living alone with no living children or siblings will be 1.2 million, almost twice the number without family support in 1990. Thirty years later, these numbers will be staggering.

So what can you do? My answer: take action ahead of time -- establish workable, alternative solutions.

I firmly believe that one of the least exercised but most powerful forces in aging is older adults protecting and helping each other. It’s foreign to the way most of us have lived in the last forty years – but harkens back to the boomers’ early ideas about communes, co-ops, and co-housing when, ideally, we looked out for one another.

As I age, the people who are most likely to be important to me in the near and distant future are the ones I email, talk to on the phone or have dinner with most frequently: my friends (relatives if I had them).  Some may fade away over time (as family members do). But, through thick or thin, many of the people I now consider my friends are the ones I’m thinking about recruiting for my team – and vise versa (me for their team).

As we reach our 60s and 70s – even 80s – we need to identify the people who mean the most to us (and, as I said above, are trustworthy, care about us, live nearby, etc.) and create a system, or a pact, to watch out for each other. 

This can be formal or loose (formal is better, to make sure the legal requirements are met).  

Then we need to:

• Draw up Durable Powers of Attorney for health and finances and Living Wills, listing each other (and others as alternatives if we can), so that someone who cares about us will make decisions on our behalf when we’re no longer able. These “substitute decision-makers” can change over time, so don’t be paralyzed by the thought that you might not like each other someday – name them now so you’ll be protected.

• Seek out and encourage the involvement of younger people. Ensuring “new blood” can help to protect the integrity of the decisions that are made for us over time, especially the older and frailer we (and our friends and relatives) become.

• As we get older, it would be good to hire a geriatric care manager to oversee our lives and offer advice as our needs change. This is a relatively new profession, comprised of knowledgeable people (often nurses and social workers) who are experts at assessing older people’s needs, obtaining the right services for them, and monitoring their situations as time passes. You can obtain a list of care managers online at www.caremanager.org, a national association that lists its members by state.

This advice is appropriate for just about everyone – individuals and couples, with or without children. Given how long many of us are expected to live, the rules for how we carry out our lives in old age have changed.  We must be prepared.  Spouses can make wonderful caregivers and decision-makers on our behalf, but nobody knows which spouse will survive. Many fail together. Adult children may die first – or not be available to help.

From my long observations, I firmly believe we all need to figure out who will “take care of me” when we’re no longer able, as my reader asked -- but we need to lay out the groundwork ahead of time.